So -- today I started crying in Starbucks. How TOTALLY embarrassing! It was a beautiful day and it's been a great week. I sat in a table by the window, with my nonfat caffe' mocha (which I've become a little addicted to over the past few weeks), feeling the warm sun on my skin and looking out at the gorgeous mountains while I did my bible study. Maybe I was just tired, I don't know. But the tears just started coming.
I just kept thinking about how much I wished that Jon was here. Then I started thinking about how the reason I'm living here right now is to be with Jon -- and he's not even here. Now don't get me wrong -- I would follow this man to the ends of the earth. He is the love of my life. And it's not like I don't appreciate the beauty of this state and all that it has to offer. But what I would give to be living around family right now -- people that I love and who love me!!! I mean, the only reason that I'm still here while Jon is gone is because I have a job with 120 kids counting on me everyday.
Then I started thinking about the different ways our life could be changing in the next year. Some of you know that we are waiting to hear about a career change for Jon within the Army. Ultimately, this will determine whether or not we will stay in the Army. Now, until this year, I've been pretty gung-ho about being a "lifer." But now, everyday it seems that I go back and forth. One day I really want Jon to be able to take advantage of this opportunity -- I know it's something he really wants and he would be really good at. And it would be a new adventure for us. Plus we would have the security of the Army. And we still have so many things we want to do in the Army -- places we want to go -- things we want to experience. Then the next day I wonder if this is the life I really want for the next 16 years. Do I really want to be apart from my husband for probably half of that time? Will it be worth it? Do I want to voluntarily be a "single mom" once kids come and Jon is deployed? My comfort comes in knowing that the LORD already has things planned for us. He knows what's best for us and He'll make whatever that is happen -- despite all my worrying.
So after a short drive home and a few more tears, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself. And I did what every neurotic women does when they're feeling a little down -- cleaned my house! Then I lighted my tart burner and popped in a Macintosh Peach candle -- there's no better scent to cheer you up -- and watched the next DVD in season 4 of "Felicity." What a totally Sappy Saturday!
4 comments:
Don't feel bad about having a pity party...they are key to keeping your sanity. I had them pretty regularly, and often invited people to have them with me...;-)
Also, I understand the tug of war between supporting your partner, and his chosen career (it is so rare to find a man so happy with their profession) and seeing and almost fearing what huge sacrifices and challenges that will present for yourself.
After this year apart from my boyfriend all I can say is that it was hard, and it hurt, but it made everything so much more special now that he is back.
You are doing great!
This is why this is my favorite quote from the bible....
"Do not ask me to abandon or forsake you! for wherever you go I will go, wherever you lodge I will lodge, your people shall be my people, and your God my God." (Ruth 1,16)
I think I just see it as, I have given up so much to be your wife and will continue for the rest of our lives. I totally understand your sacrafice and that of many many of my military wife friends. Hang in there and keep praying because life has a way of working itself out. Smiles!
You know, when my spouse was deployed and I was in Germany, I can't tell you how many weekends and afternoons I past watching "Felicity" and feeling exactly the way you describe. How funny. I now have the largest collection of TV DVDs you can imagine ;) Best of luck to you!
Sorry...*passed* not *past*
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